Saturday, February 9, 2013
Its revolutionary to see myself complete in my incompleteness. It stops the whole idea of needing something to make myself complete all the time. I thought I had stopped this compulsion to find wholeness through people, money, things, religion, better health. It is revolutionary to simply love yourself instead and enjoy the life you've been given. To reach out for your dreams and run after them. Its stops the loops of self hatred hard in its tracks. I've been married now for almost 10 years and as I look back at our evolution I realize that as I change, we change. I never really had a father super involved in my life. He was there but his heart was tangled up in pain. I am still not sure what that is for him. So when I got married I had a whole in my heart that I thought my husband could fill. And yes we argued a lot. On top of all this under current, I had undiagnosed Lyme Disease and eventually on top of that I had a young son who was super energetic. A few years later when I was diagnosed with Late Stage Lyme Disease, Bartonella, Babesia, my son was age 3 and he was not your average little kid. A few years later he was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. Everything around me was tugging on me to give. And I felt empty.
As life raged on, I started to feel like everyone else including my health problems took center stage instead of Angele. It was like was wasting away inside. And my body was falling apart and the problems around me financial crunches, a special needs kid, and trying to keep my marriage going seemed impossible. Its in the midst of all that pain I realized what I never had. My core, my center was missing something. I tried out modern religion and that didn't work. That one friend who didn't care I looked like hell but they burned out over time. Leaning on my husband to be my everything and he soon burned out as well. By this time the anger was over the top inside of me spilling out at everyone around me. I had very little hope this reality would ever change. I went from Doctor to Doctor trying to find ways to get better while the bills piled up.
It wasn't until two mile marker moments happened that I started to get somewhere in my health and my growth as a person. I didn't realize the two were intertwined. No one gives you a book titled "How to deal with a Chronic Illness". I wish the heck they did! The sicker I became the more past hurts, emptiness, and pain I felt internally and physically. It was a horrid combination. The continued LOSS from Lyme Disease and later a diagnosis of Celiac Disease mirrored the many Losses I had already suffered in life. The loss of a relationship with a my father, the loss of many friendships, the loss of being able to work a full time job, the loss of a spark of hope within my self, the loss of making it to the bathroom on time, the loss of my muscle coordination, the loss of financial stability, the loss of feeling useful, valuable, needed, the loss of my sanity. The first moment came when I finally believed and realized I had Lyme Disease. I almost didn't believe my first Naturopathic Doctor. It couldn't be me. Not me. I came out of denial into reality. That step was life shattering for me. The second was when my acupuncturist asked me as simple question "If you could take all the energy you are putting into getting better, what would you do?". I realized I was stuck in a victim mindset. It hurt to hear the truth.
Moving forward this quote has stayed with me. Now as I start to walk 3 miles a week at the gym, clean my house, and even took a vacation to Quebec City in the middle of winter. Which by the way most Lymie's would never do because the cold makes me hurt like hell. In one day I walked 4 miles there and other than a few muscle pains a few days later. My endurance is back. Even though I have walked through some pretty horrid days with my health. My heart still has some healing to do. I still have days I feel empty, unwanted, unappreciated, ugly, a looser, stupid, the self hatred that followed me during my sick days still follows me now. NO matter if you are sick, go through loss, you still have to live with the very core of yourself everyday. You can't get rid of your shadow. Either you make friends with it or you stay paranoid it will catch up with you in a very bad way. Making friends with myself while I was sick was beyond hard, now as I heal I realize I can't hide from dealing with how I view myself. I have to deal with the black hole I dragged around. No one else can deal with it but me. The phoenix can't rise from the ashes until the past burns down. I am embracing the revolution I am going through but it hurts. I have to acknowledge all the hurts and pains I have carried around with me. The feelings of abandonment, not worthy, unfair expectations, finding healthier ways to fill my soul. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago when I started treatment. And don't get me wrong I am proud of how far I have come so far. But at this battle with Lyme Disease winds down I need a new banner to pick up and run with. I am learning that purpose is now loving myself brokeness and all. I don't need fixing just loving kindness and understanding. I don't think this revolution is over. I am sure I will go through many more. This one is a liberation for me, going from a needy victim to a strong independent woman. I am maturing into myself.
For those who are curious I am singing more to my favorite songs, volunteer teaching at my sons home school co-op, still making cards for others, volunteering and I want to take guitar and voice lessons. I am walking at the gym every few days and my goal is to jog a mile before the summer starts. I am starting to like myself the way I am. As Whitney said, "The greatest love of all is happening to me. The greatest love of all is inside of me."